People are leaning more and more towards internet dating these days because they feel they will be more emotionally protected. They are basically shopping for the perfect mate. I guess I’m just old……. fashioned, but I am unnerved by the impression that I will know someone’s darkest secrets and greatest dreams before I have met them face-to-face - especially when all communication is based on a snapshot or two, which are usually more indulgent than insightful and can depend on the type of person the online dater is trying to snag. That’s right. Snag. Let’s be honest here. Online profiles are basically a net cast out consisting of alluring images and words meant to encapsulate one’s appeal.

Long gone are the days of judging someone by pure instinct. Or are they? Can you truly understand a person without an initial physical reaction?

The initial glance.
The smile.
The handshake.
The visceral response.

In short, an intuition about one another based on human contact. Revolutionary! Or as Shakespeare would so eloquently affirm, “In thy face I see honor, truth and loyalty” … or not.

My approach to online dating is modeled after my “real life” techniques from any lounge, bar or club. The sexpot picture is put up first. If this grabs the wandering male eye he will most likely check out the following collection of pictures. It is here that the tests begin. With no more sexy pictures, I lose the most superficial net voyeurs. In their place, the gentleman browser finds “snapshots” of the real me—the beyond-ridiculous, hyper, awkward me with stickers on my nose, hiding behind a leaf and being the dork I am. If this makes him laugh he will proceed to my bio.

Now this is where it gets a little more challenging: exactly how much information do I want “out there”? In real life, I wouldn’t tell a potential love interest everything about yourself after just meeting him, would you? I have no little black dress that that reads my likes on the front and dislikes on the back. When courtship happens over the web, then, how much mystery do you maintain? And is the only mystery of online dating whether or not these simulated matches will transfer to the flesh?

I had an Internet/phone relationship with a guy for six months before meeting him (he lived 10 hours away, hence no real-time dating). I thought I had met my paramour, my soul’s one true match. We got along perfectly. We could talk for hours. I overcame my own self doubts and I trusted him implicitly. And yet, when he flew to New York and met him on the street, I knew in my gut the whole relationship wouldn’t work. I told myself it was just nerves, an instinctual “too good to be true” feeling, perhaps a Woody Allen-esque reaction of “I don’t want to belong to any club who would have me as a member”? Ignoring my lack of attraction to him—even though he was quite handsome, brilliant, sweet, and funny—I continued seeing him because he was “the perfect guy.” On paper (or a website, as it were). But not for me—and there was no way I could have ever predicted my physical response to him. I was heartbroken by my own expectations and he, in turn, was heartbroken by my inability to respond to him as someone in love.

So here’s my question: Is learning all about a person before we meet them really going to save us from heartbreak? Probably not. So get out from behind your computer screen and go MEET people. If you can talk to a stranger over IM, you can just as easily meet them in person and get the entire picture and not just the fantasy. There is no such thing as a relationship filter.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 6th, 2006 at 6:08 am and is filed under New York City, Internet, Dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.